Well, it’s official, I’m not in remission anymore. I wish I had something better to share tonight, but that’s it.
It will be a full week tomorrow since my dystonia came back in full force. Plowing through me with an electrical current that knocked me clear across the room. The pain, the dizziness, the drugged comma. I admit, I had gotten used to living a somewhat “normal” life and then BAM, brick wall to the face on a Monday morning. Usually, I call tell when a storm is coming. Most of the time I can even tell you the cause, but this one caught me off guard.
And it’s bad. It’s really bad. The worst storm I have had in at least 4 years. It stirs up old fears I felt confident tucking away in the farthest corners of my mind. Fears that begin upon waking:
Thought #1: What day is it?
Thought #2: How dizzy will I be today?
I loathe that feeling. No one should begin their day with dread and fear.
That’s my life.
Until there’s a cure.
But my husband. Oh, he is a wonderful man. And some days, like today, I can’t believe he is mine. He didn’t sign up for this but he remains committed. Every single day. Good days and bad ones. Helping me through the pain, the depression, the agony, the anger, the guilt. I will always love him more than I can adequately put into words.
SO, where to go from here?
- I survive until the storm passes.
- I pray.
- I remain thankful.
- I fight my body and I fight hard.
- I stay heavily drugged.
- I embrace the physical bruises when I fall down.
- I accept that I cannot speak correctly.
- I find the beautiful moments in my day.
- I celebrate every second I feel good.
- I love my girls.
- I listen to the Beatles and I sing.
- I read.
- I cry.
- I write.
- I find ways to laugh.
And I wait.
Because this too shall pass.